This Little Light of Miche

I’m going to be completely transparent. I really liked to drink. I used it to have fun, I used it when I was sad, I used it to shut my brain down. I’m a chronic over thinker and control freak. I don’t know how I got that way. I used to be very carefree and not give a damn about anything. Now I feel I need to control everything in my life and probably my partner’s lives too. Although, I don’t feel like I want to control my men’s life anymore. I don’t want a man I have to babysit.

I’ve been put in a situation where I am not in control of anything. I hardly have the information of what’s really going on and I can’t accept it! But, after a few AA meetings and talking to people who felt the exact same way, I feel like I can now. Sometimes… There are days where I wake up crying after an extremely vivid dream, like today. I wanted to start dialing numbers to try to get as much info as possible so I can control the outcome … I’m in a very tough situation right now that involves me being away from my children including my two month old. I just can’t accept this! I have to do something but only thing I can control is myself. 😮‍💨

So today I’m choosing to have peace. I’m going to depend on God or at least try but, It’s much harder than it sounds. It’s sounds amazing honestly. “Don’t worry about anything. Give it to God and he’ll take care of it. But remember, I’m a control freak. Calling myself powerless and letting someone else take over is scary. I don’t know what’s going on! I don’t have all the information! These are my kids we’re talking about! It looks like everything is falling apart!!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! And there I go crying again…

See how that works? There are so many other things I could be doing right now than crying over something I’m have no control over. I’ve done everything I could do. Now I just have to wait. How long? I don’t know. Who, what, where when? I don’t know. Depending on God is not easy. It’s powerlessness. It’s admitting you have no control over anything or anyone but yourself. So I’m going to go eat breakfast and go for a run. Then I’m going to clean this messy apartment I’ve neglected for two weeks while fighting for control. Sigh Life is strange…